Note: This was written in 2018 and remained unpublished until now
The only power fear has over me is to keep me from it.
Yet when fear is combined with trust it becomes excitement.
They are two sides of the same sword.
Still I have so often misunderstood it
and from there created things. Stories.
Stories with a cast of characters that I have for years naively called
shadows, darkness, problems and fuck yous.
Somewhere in time darkness, problems, fear and fuck yous became bad things
and my judgement and misunderstanding created separation
and left me with a very small box
coated in invisible walls that I have made fictitiously impenetrable.
With brilliant monsters and death lurking there on the other side
only because I say they do
and for no other reason except
To keep me from it.
To keep me “safe”.
To keep me from feeling.
To keep me trapped.
To keep me intrigued.
To keep the story alive.
The shadows do not know why I see them the way that I do. . .
often I do not either.
Nor do they understand or know the story that I have written about them that made them so bad . . .
and often I do not either.
All they can do is repeatedly beckon to me
getting louder and louder in hopes that I will finally hear their true message.
Meanwhile, they wonder why I have forgotten
They try to remind me the only way they know how
By getting my attention and providing me with rewards in the form of inspiration and awe
as I listen and lean placing my hand through the veil of my stories
as they too want to be played with.
Showing me that they are gifts and that they are here for me
To expand me.
To delight me.
To surprise me.
As I am for them
I feared them because it is in the shadows that I can not see with the crutch of my eyes.
Eyes that I have, for so long, used for what they are not truly designed for.
To protect myself.
I had forgotten that they are there to for me to receive the beauty of the world
inspiring my soul and imagination to create with it.
Where did I go?
As I become present I see darkness patiently asks me to look more closely
first without my eyes, for that is why it is dark
then without my ears
my nose
my lips
hands
mind
that have all worked together to craft and hold on to the story that has kept me from me.
The dark asks me to stop.
To be patient
To listen
and be curious to possibility.
To be present
long enough for the old stories to be honored and unwrap themselves
until the only tool that ever mattered once again comes to the surface
picks up the pen of my senses and begins to write the story anew.
That tool is my heart.
To hear it. To feel it. To know it. To lead with it.
For it is me.
And it is all of my emotions.
To remind me what I have forgotten.
That it is only through feeling that I truly learn
and in order to feel I must once again open my heart.
Consistent as the dawn
Strong as the ground I stand upon
Vibrant as the sun
Patient like a Redwood
An endlessly loving life force
Always soft, it rests inside of me and pulses through my veins
so I never forget what causes the blood to flow through me and why I exist.
My capillaries extend the energy of the heart to every part of my being
so that every sound and every movement is an expression of that life force.
That gift I call life.
Tucked in the middle of everything because it was meant to lead
to inspire
to nourish
to touch everything
to help create from that space
be it a home, a hand shake or a child.
and fulfill our greatest potential, pleasure, and joy.
It is home and because of that it is always with us.
What I have been looking for has always been nourished with every breath I take.
There is no where to go to find it because everything will point to there.
But when we do
we can no longer hide it.
Nor would we want to.
It is to be shared.
with the world
with its expression, gratitude and constant unbending trust and love.
Taking on the role of director with a new lens
The playwright that will melt away walls of doubt and judgement
like sand drifting delicately back with the rolling hands of the tide.
or clouds after the storm in the still of night,
opening up the world and the possibility to once again create
where I never thought possible.
The stars penetrating through light years of darkness and time
Providing a constant reminder that there is more.
That there is always more.
With fear and the shadows as my guides
they hold the greatest rewards with endless surprises.
Demanding me to trust and look deeper
To marry into the darkness.
Eventually embracing her like a lover
lying there cradled in each other’s arms
Close to my heart so I can be reminded that everything has a pulse and a passion to live
Exposing the most powerful part of me that I mistook as fragile
so that I can bring it forwards into the world
and again, like a infant, approach life with curiosity and awe
and feel the inspiration of what is possible.
To be a creator again.
Unraveling the story with each heartbeat as the armor falls away and I once again remember.
We are all equal expressions of God
We are equal to the sun, the moon, the ocean
equal to every human and everything
Even the chair I sit in.
That these extraordinary shadows are an extension of my soul
wanting to be discovered, played with and enjoyed.
Everything does.
Then the form of death, a transition, a shift
occurs as a new story begins to be written.
Inspired by the old.
This death is a celebration of the known and the unknown
as the line that I have drawn into the sands thinking it was a cliff
was just a light telling me all along where to jump.
Honored are the stories of times gone past.
Versions of stories that I had tethered to myself like concrete to my past and limitation.
Keeping me from myself.
From others.
From the shadows and the secrets that vibrantly live there and only want to be experienced and played with
in the endless possibilities of divine co-creation.
The exciting part is that I have created these
and now I get to discover them again
perhaps for the first time.
They bear the divine fruit of mystery, opportunity, play, love and the light that I have longed for.
Transforming darkness into light and light into darkness.
For the heart sees all as one.
With acceptance, love, gratitude and possibility.
Patiently, adoringly, quietly and passionately.
I had forgotten what I am.
Now I remember.
I am.
And then fear, in the form of a child, walked in the room.
and said to me
Why have you abandoned me?
Why do you run from me?
Remember what you are.
Remember we are equal.
Remember I am your friend.
Do you not realize what we can do together and how much fun it can be?
The only true death and selfish act is to keep our creative expression and heart to ourselves away from the world.
Be excited because death as we know it is simply a new co-creative process.
A reallocation of energy.
A new vibrational existence and experience.
Life is beginning again.
Something exciting is about to happen.
Lean in.
The world is waiting for you.