In August of this past year I was staying at an Ashram outside of San Isidro, Costa Rica. The land was extraordinary and I was deeply impressed with what they were doing there. What they had created. It was an incredible facility and an even more incredible family they had created. The energy there was sweet, light, potent and peaceful. The environment clean, organized, beautifully structured and sexless. We would wake up at 4am and meditate together as a group and then again around noon and then again at night. Yoga was offered several times a week, along with classes, opportunities to work on the land, to help in the kitchen and various sessions with the elders. I was really impressed. Everyone that lived there for an extended period of time was eventually given a Sanskrit name that reflected their heart and what deity energy they embodied. Most of them went by those names. It's history is based in an ancient tradition of OmSat Yoga, which had its guru as did the facility. A wonderful man who I didn't get stay long enough to actually meet. When I was there I worked in the kitchen and helped clean the dinning area. Both departments I am very comfortable with. It was fun, easy and meditative. The ladies in the kitchen that I worked with were lovely and did an incredible job. Given my anxiety level at the time it was perfect. The meals were delicious and served with care and love. Almost all the food was grown on the land and the honey was the best I have ever tasted.
The Ashram's homepage on their website opens with this: We are sprouting the seeds of a higher culture of creative peace and dynamic goodness in this historic moment of planetary transition. This vision, based on the true nature of Being has been unfolding since 2002, under the guidance of Shunyamurti.
Their approach is designed to release unwanted habits and develop a healthy, noble, and mature character. You will attain peace of mind, clarity of purpose, and the capacity to function as an impeccable spiritual warrior. Through applying the four central pillars of our approach, you will easily discover your Buddha Nature of Pure Presence. The four pillars are Meditation, Inner Work, Study and Service.
I was there for three weeks. I stayed in the second cabin which was named Discernment. They said they often are reflective of what people were working on in their spiritual journey. I'd say they nailed it.
I remember sitting down for the first meditation and my mind was absolutely blank. Something I was not used to. It was amazing. So much emptiness and possibility. Though I think my system freaked out and a few sessions later decided to fill my head with a ton of thoughts. It was such a beautiful space to be. I saw how my system was actually thinking there might be something wrong because it is too quiet. Took care of that quickly.
While I was there I started working on my kundalini energy. I had started a process that was given to me by a friend and I found it very powerful. I could feel my creative/sexual energy open and expanding especially at night. It became constant and extremely powerful. My body was literally vibrating with energy and during meditation I would rock back and forth unknowingly. This was beautiful and an extremely inspiring process. I felt so alive. So connected to my body and my creativity. I realized part of the reason that this was happening at such a fast and powerful rate was because there was no sex on the campus. So my system didn't have to protect from anything. After going through my own traumas as a child and through college, that my system was often on guard all the time looking to protect itself.
Here there was nothing to protect from so it started to open up. I was shocked at how much energy I was repressing. It. Was. Incredible. Though with that energy what also came up were the stories that caused that energy to be shut down. So when I would wake up I would have panic attacks and be in a state of terror unable to leave my bed. When I finally got up I was moving around with a river of anxiety and fear pacing around the room as thoughts came to my head and I transformed literally into a four year old. My voice, my physicality, my mannerisms. I was four and it was intense.
I kept crying and saying, "What's happening to me?! What's happening to me?! I don't understand. I don't understand. Why would you do this to me? Who am I? Who are you? I don't know what's happening! I'm confused."
This had come up before over the course of the year on several occasions. The energy took over my system and I was seeing how it was relating to my current life. What was different about this time was that I was able to fully embody this energy and also step back and observe it. Like it was a part of me. It was a profound moment. As I started to watch I could see that this was my inner child frozen in time from when the trauma happened. That part of me, my inner kid that represented play, innocence, curiosity and this divine open connection to source and imagination had been trapped causing my body and soul to fragment with part of it still being in my past. It felt like it was what made my existence linear with respect to time. Later that day I decided I would try to interview that part of me and see if I could find out what happened. My mind was completely in awe at this. It helped me understand why people can be diagnosed with having split or multiple personalities from this life time or others.
So the next morning the energy came up again in full terror and panic. After a little while I grabbed a notebook and began to ask questions and let this part of me write and see what happened. It was profound and I suddenly started to get some clarity on what happened and and my energy and fear of people who are very sexual in nature. I got dates, details, and more insight into the parts that weren't so clear. It gave me clarity on what I needed to do next and a sense of resolution.
Fast forwards two months, I was living in Punta Uva on the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica and felt called to do an extensive fast. I compromised with myself on a 28-day fast. 14 days of Master Cleanse with Cacao and 14 days of water with a tiny amount of fruit between the two. his was one of the most beautiful, magical and intense experiences of my life that I'll share in more detail in a future post. Though one thing it brought out was a lot of tears, a lot of grief, a lot of channeling and hardly being able to talk or move. I stayed in bed most of the day with writing, reading, showering, drinking some water, watching videos, some sessions and mostly just being. The sessions were amazing. Being in that space I had to operate differently. I didn't know how it was going to work though it did. I just trusted the channel. They told me to just show up. I did and learned so many new ways to operate and shift energy.
When the fast finally ended I went to take a 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training with The Kula Collective at Punta Mona. They are incredible. More on that later. Not being able to move or speak much I was just there and my behavior had become very simple. Very child like and I needed help to perform a lot of tasks I would normally have no difficulty doing like carrying my bags or walking up stairs. Or breathing. I knew I was embodying my inner child though what I didn't realize is that he didn't have a voice yet. So about a week later, my channel had me eating and I was loving it. The food at Punta Mona was INCREDIBLE. I couldn't eat enough. And my channel was having me eat as much as I wanted most of the time as I adapted to a new level of nourishment vibrationally. One night I had four plates of food and was actually watching my body continue to eat to the point of pain and hardly being able to move. I had all kinds of judgement around it though my channel kept reassuring me - if you want to eat just keep eating. So I did and then it was like my body was eating on its own. In the same way that I was observing my inner child at the Ashram. It felt wrong though I was trusting it and still enjoying every amazing bite. Later that night, laying there in pain in my bed I realized that the food was pressing the story about not being worthy to receive nourishment out of my body as my kind once again came alive and finally had a voice. He was so upset that I starved him for 28 days without asking him if it was ok. I was also shown how in a past life I was so poor that my family was not able to eat and my wife left me with our son and married a another man because he had money and they felt safe. I was crushed though supported it because I wanted them to be safe. How I lost my child and my love because of my inability to make money. He went on for about 30 minutes. Once this was out of the bag he was really clear about what he wanted and how he was feeling and I was listening. From then on we started to develop a beautiful relationship. He wanted to talk to his sister because he was upset with her. So the next night we called and I heard/spoke words and in ways I have never spoken before. It was like a seething angry caged animal that was so hurt and angry. I just let him go and for 40 minutes or so my sister listened and when she wasn't he would let her know it. I was in awe watching this happen and move through me. Afterwards he thanked her for listening and told her he loved her. That was a huge shifting point.
After that we started to play together and I promised him he was in charge for now. We had the most beautiful conversations. I feel almost crazy saying this though it was so grounded, beautiful and loving. To hear that part of me start to come alive again. He told me what he loves to do. What he wants to do and what foods he loves. We talked about bicycles, cooking pancakes, mom, dad, growing up, math and sharing with others. He loves to share though hasn't felt free to play for a long time. Then I asked him if he wanted to use the computer and he got really excited. So I said ok, tonight the computer is yours and you can type. From there I have dictated almost 41 pages (8.5 font) of our discussion. It was mind blowing and I learned a lot about myself, my childhood, my gifts and my life that I never knew. It gave me so much clarity and felt so much love for this part of me. It was like having a child. So I said this was his year. If he wasn't on board then we wouldn't do it. If he was or wanted something we would make it happen. He's brilliant and so fucking wise and playful and innocent and honest. And love. Just pure love. As we play together he is getting older and becoming a major integrated part of me as the stories that have trapped him in other spaces of time, unravel and shift. Now he is 6 years old with parts of him 20 depending on the situation or circumstance. It's a fascinating process. Absolutely fascinating and beautiful. One thing I have promised him is pancakes every Thursday and he can cook. (He LOVES to cook). When I was at Punta Mona the amazing kitchen gang there let me in the kitchen to make pancakes every Thursday. He wanted to cook so I let him and it was mind blowing. This kid can cook! Holy crap! He took over my body like I do when I do mediumship and went to town. He put about 20 ingredients into the pancakes each week and they were frickin incredible. All three weeks and made sure he made enough to share with everyone and walked around giving them away. The most beautiful part were the tears that went into the batter because he was remembering mom and how she would cook for us, how much he loved to cook for her and how much he though she would like these. He saved three small pancakes - one for mom, one for dad and one for grandma and carefully placed them in the roots of three different trees. One for each of them. I was so deeply touched by the the purity and heart of this gesture. So I decided to give him a space on the website where he could type and I can share our conversations, our relationship and his heart. To give him / that part of me a voice. So until further notice you can call me Issai.
As I have been moving thought this I have been shown that this is part of the trinity. Literally of the 3-D (triangle structure). The father (Richard/Mandate) the son (Issai) and the holy ghost (Akana/channel). Once those energies become one it forms the 4th dimension (Pyramid structure).
Why is it the blog and this energy called Issai? Issai, Akana and Mandate are names that I was shown in 2017 when I was living in Santa Fe, NM developing my channel and connection to what had been coming through me for the past two years. I was shown Akana first - a few days after arriving in Santa Fe. Akana I came to discover is ancient Egyptian and Hebrew for powerful and complete vessel tethering heaven and Earth/ a space set by shamans for transformation. I had never heard of it before. I just went with it. Since I had just moved to a new town I decided to try it on and went by Akana to explore it and see what would happen. Once I embodied that energy my channel began to blast open. So for two years that vibration has been maturing within me. The other two names have just been there. I've channeled a lot about them though haven't really used them much. Akana has been running the show for a while. Though once my inner child came up and I went into ceremony I the message was clear that it was time to embrace the name Issai. I then understood that was my inner child energy - very creative, playful, fun, light, curious, air like and honest. Issai is Japanese for 'all'/'everything'. In Hebrew it translates to Yahweh. I just translate it to love. So this year is, for me, the year of Issai and I'll start sharing his thoughts, our conversations and experiences here. He wants to play again and to learn how to best share his heart and gifts with the world.