I thought I was lost. Kind of.
I know we are never truly lost.
Though, tell that to someone who thinks they are lost.
It just means that we don't know or understand where we really are and what is truly happening. When things as we knew it or thought it was supposed to be suddenly changed - according to us anyway.
Typically in a space or situation that we are unfamiliar with.
Not understanding how the experience plays into the big picture. Though the universe does. It always hears us, supports us, and bringing us endless opportunities and experiences to help inspire us to live an extraordinary life, remember who we are and why we are here. When we are lost I think it means, in a way, that we just don't trust. It also means that we are likely, at that point, more on our path than we ever imagined as I can see myself scramble to hold on to anything familiar.
In my experience it often takes getting lost to truly find myself. Until we realize we were never lost in the first place and, through trust, never will be again. Then, it suddenly becomes fun. Life truly feels like a game of trust, curiosity, allowance and intuition.
For some time now, I have felt like I have been moving in circles instead of spirals. When I have no idea where to go and feel like I have have been moving in these patterns, I can be under the impression that things aren't moving forwards. Though energy never stops moving forwards. It is always wanting to become another creative expression of itself.
Sometimes, it just takes not moving to see where I am going and where I am.
In truth we are always moving forwards and energy is always creating something. If it doesn't create something outside it creates something inside. Still forwards. Inspiring us to feel. To create. Many times I have felt like I am having a second or third or even tenth go around with something. In judgement, I often miss the point and condemn myself. Thinking I fucked up, I'm off track and lost. Forgetting that too is part of moving forwards. In hindsight, I can see that I am just deepening and expanding the experience and my soul with more clarity and the love story that I am living with myself and life.
Life is not about rejecting anything. Though we’re can and that is ok. It is about allowance and creating something with what is there.
Whatever that truth is.
Something that hasn't been expressed or experienced before.
An original thought, idea or expression.
Your unique expression.
It is about creating your dreams.
Dreams that call us in the middle of the night and in the form of fear, discord, pain, pleasure, passion, excitement and inspiration. The call contains everything. And it tends to get louder if we miss it. Another experience. Thus we are always moving forward. Though what it has felt like has been anything but my dream. Yet what the fuck do I know - especially when I feel like I forgot it. I can only see what I can see - and I know that isn't very much. Dreams don't follow logic based on percentages, prevention and fear. They follow the heart. Intuition. Passion. Hunches. Something new. They are creations. Energy moving forwards unapologetically with passion, love, presence and wonder.
Much of the last 18 months has been like a living hell. Difficult to put into words though expansive to say the very least. I now call it reallocating. I have literally felt like the walking dead with the only reason to hold on being that there must be a reason to hold on because I am still here. I've been walking around thinking I had lost my way when in fact I think everything that was in the way of where I'm supposed to go is just falling away in whatever way the universe can do it. In this case - a lack of care. Suddenly everything that seemed to matter to me stopped mattering. All my desires falling to the way side wondering what the fuck is the point in anything. Why the fuck are we here and why does any of it even matter. I no long feel like I have a purpose here though I know I do. If this is all an illusion and it is all love then what is the point of any of it. What am I missing or perhaps what is lining up that I can't see. Then again perhaps I don't need to see that yet. Perhaps I just need to see one thing. Like a door. When I think of a great book or film I never know what is going to happen keeping me in a constant state of wonder, excitement or curiosity. I think the universe is like that and once we get into a state of predictability it likes to give us gifts and they come in all forms - adventure, disease, a muse, a job, a drug, an accident, a move, a hobby. They are all doors.
Well, I found a door.
At least it is something and the fact that it won't leave me alone tells me that there is something there. Because your dreams will never leave you alone. Though they can only take you as far as you can see. And when you listen to that call and follow it. Even though it may not make any sense whatsoever. When you open that door it rewards you in the form of magical surprises, unique experiences and incredible opportunities. And then . . . you'll see the next door. And the next. And on and on.
Along the way, you'll remember what you are.
Who you are
and why you are here.
It starts with a call.
A call of desperation.
Excitement.
A place.
A person.
A treasure.
An adventure.
A profession.
A jump into the darkness.
Over the course of the last year I have witnessed most of my previous life dissolve into oblivion. I have explicitly experience my desire and passion for most of what I have been doing in and with my life dwindle and disappear. I no longer know what is real anymore. What matters and have for, much of it, stopped caring. Hard to admit. Everything I used to do used to matter so much to me. Alternative medicine, acting, adventure travel and education, channeling, sharing the craft . . . I just don't care that much, if at all, anymore. As hard as that is to admit I really don't, which is so strange given how passionate I was about all of it. Or so I thought.
So I'm here. Lost. My purpose. My desires. My fight. My passion. What I believed in. Most of it is gone. Even sex. Something I have always been very deeply passionate about. Yet, It all feels so meaningless and strange now. I just keep asking myself, why do we do these things? Why does any of this matter?
In the mean time, my inner child has reawaken with a lot to say. Such an important part of my soul that has felt trapped in time, literally, because it never felt safe to play. Truly play. With the Divine and the magic of life. Desperately wanting to feel safe and have permission again. Feeling like I need it to make sure I am accepted. That it is ok. For that part of me to have a voice. To express its truth and to be free. A part of what guides me. That part of me that embodies play, innocence, wonder, honesty and curiosity. That part of me that is so connected to God and speaks to the tunes of remembrance and knowing of how magical and exciting life can be. Oh to once again see life through the eyes of a child. To approach everything with such curiosity, openness and awe. To genuinely care again.
It isn't that I don't want to care. I do want to care. I used to care a lot. About everyone - especially my teachers, students, clients and creations. I would do anything for them. My partners too. I've been blessed with having so many extraordinary people in my life as well as some of the most challenging.
Only recently have I felt a desire to live and create in the world again thanks to a team of extraordinary women in my life including Sophie, Steffi, Olga, Holly, Brina, Inna, and especially Katy and my sweet partner, who embodies love so elegantly, so beautifully, Anne. Collectively they have brought me back from the dead through their presence, open hearts, vulnerability, passion, inspiration, love, adoration, beauty, play and just being who they are in all of their truths. I have found that there is no aphrodisiac for life more powerful then someone's truth and an open heart and I have been blessed to experience theirs as they have inspired my heart, my phallus, my imagination, my pen and a reason to be here. I especially want to thank my extraordinary partner Anne with whom I have been blessed with an opportunity to build an expansive relationship unlike anything I have ever experienced and Katy, who endlessly inspires me in every way.
Despite this resurrection, I still can't ignore my truth. I see myself, at times, covering it up trying to live life as it used to be though I know in truth that is impossible. Too much has happened and I have changed to much. I am still discovering who I am. Though as everything I used to care about falls away and reallocates perhaps to one day return anew more passionately than ever, I have found a beacon in the darkness that calls me to the one thing that remains.
A journey into the unknown.
Something that has been calling me for almost 20 years that still hasn't stopped letting me know it is still there.
That, I have learned to know, can only be part of a dream. A doorway. An entry point into something magical. Something unknown through which one will find freedom. Love. Life. Adventure. The elements. The world. Humanity and so much more. A dream that I have forgotten. Though I don't need to remember it to find it again. All I have to do is open the door and begin to walk through it. That is one of the greatest gifts. A golden key to your soul.
In 2002, I took an extensive cycling tour between the west coast and Colorado. It was the most extraordinary thing I had ever experienced and there are few moments I have ever felt more alive. Every day was a mystery never knowing where I would go or what I would see. I was being taken on an adventure through which I would experience 1000s of miles of some of the most extraordinary Earth and beautiful souls I had ever seen. That much mystery and unknown gave the universe a lot of room to play with to fill in countless surprises and endless amounts of awesome in the form of human hearts, love stories and dreams. It pushed me to my limits and I got a glimpse into what was possible. It also prepared my career as an outdoor adventure director and inspired me for years. Though I never made it all the way across. I have attempted to cross the country on a bicycle twice and both times I stopped for various reasons. Mostly, I sold out my dream. The last one was especially rough. I felt like I lost my soul and was wondering if I would ever ride again. If I would ever do anything again. Now, riding across the country, feels like the only thing I can do as everything else has waned away like a drained lake leaving behind the one thing that I needed to see.
Though, this time, it's my ride and it is the way that I intend it. Most of my life I have designed trips or experiences with or for others and guided them through them.
Those were their trips.
And I loved them
but
This one is mine.
One that has my rules and my structure for me to follow so the universe knows how I want to play, discover and re-member into the endless magic, love and life that it is to be me.
I call it RideShift.