Greenwich to Brooklyn to Nyack to Clifton to Kenilworth, NJ: 150 miles
A cop just pulled up to see what was going on. I’m guessing there is a camera somewhere. When I walked up to the window a light came on for me. I was like thank you. Perhaps it was just security though I’ll take it as a light from source so I can see better what I’m doing. The cop pulled up saw me and left. I don’t think my bag, bike and yellow reflective jacket look too threatening.
I’m scared of failure, freezing, not diving deep enough and living a passionless life. and I miss my mother. She passed away over two years ago and part of me is still confused and it feels like endlessly grieving. I feel like I never knew my mother. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and wonder if she ever was. I’m not sure why she’s coming up so strongly right now or what the parallel is with being out this late cycling and not knowing what is coming up.
As I site here part of me wonders why I am doing this. The other part knows deeply the profound depth and power of what I‘m experiencing. And that, as a wonderful woman in Chester said, that’s going to bring up all your demons. Demons, stories, emotions, heart. Whatever you want to call it. The ride itself is physically doable. My body feels strong and more than capable. It’s my heart. Feeling so much that has been unresolved inside of me. So many stories of which I know not the answers nor how to resolve. So I just keep feeling them. More depth piercing through the cloud that has kept those parts unseen and unfelt for years if not eons.
I had a wonderful experience in NYC. An old friend I had not seen in 13 years offered her airbnb space that isn’t an airbnb yet. It was lovely. Tucked near the heart of Flatbush. She was an angel and it gave me time to ground and put a lot of time into the website. It’s almost done. Perhaps another day or two refining things. Perhaps it’s coming through as I continue to commit to the experience that is unfolding before me. To be more vulnerable and allow my self to be seen. I fear failure. I fear being trapped again in the nothingness wondering what I will do. The world hasn’t made sense for a long time now. I embarked on this because I don’t know what else to do and it has been calling me for what feels like years. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn. I keep feeling like I don’t get it. This paradigm is so strange to me. As strange as I am to myself. Still trying to discover who and what I am and why I am even here. I don’t know why I am here or why I see or can do the things that I do. Though I know it is not an accident. I know it is a gift. I just don’t know what to do with it or even fully understand it. I don’t even feel motivated to share it feeling like it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t feel like anything matters. What is the point to all of this? Why do we do this to ourselves? People can be so cruel. Yet so many are so sweet. So kind. We all have that inside of us. All of it.
3:38am
In an effort to maintain warmth and because I’m feeling A lot of energy I decided to just keep riding. I stopped until I arrived at a Dunkin Donuts in Glen rock, NJ. The DND is supposed to open in about an hour and it started to sprinkle. So I stopped. I traveled down one of the main roads with virtually no traffic. Through the course of the last 2.5 hours I Saw 10 or 15 cars. So surreal to see empty roads and towns for hours in an area that would normally be packed with traffic. The temperature is in the low 40s I think. I can suddenly see my breath. Once it hits 2 am I noticed the temperature starts to drop more significantly.
I didn’t sleep all night though a woman came over to me when I was sitting at Starbucks to make sure I didn’t hit my head because I was bobbing. Encouraging me to put my head down, she was sweet and concerned. It was too cold and windy to rest outside and I didn’t want to sleep inside an open business. So I reach out to a warm showers locally if I could take a nap for 2-3 hours. They said no so I just got back on the bike and traveled towards Clifton where I wanted to see the woman who guided me into bioenergetics when I most likely had cancer 20 years ago. It changed my life forever taking me into unknown worlds and paradigms of medicine, creation and life. I was in awe of the rabbit hole that existed around me. They were one of those people that caused all of life to suddenly go in a completely new direction for which I am eternally grateful. Passionate and vibrant as ever, Jackie and I spoke for an hour or so about magic, medicine, life, love and energy. I caught her brother wheel he was on the way out the door. He didn’t remember me. I actually haven’t seen Joe for almost 20 years though he looks almost the same. It’s amazing. When he got in the car he called Jackie his sister and was like. . . Was that Richard Handy? Initially I was like wow you remember me and I’m wearing bike gear and randomly caught you in the parking lot unannounced. That's fucking impressive. As the conversation went along it was like. . . You don’t know who I am do you. Lol. I found myself resistant to say anything As we were already in the middle of.a conversation. It’s funny looking back and also thinking how much I do that. I’m always in awe of people that remember other people’s names. My former camp director David Bruce remembered EVERYONE! kids, parents, siblings. He would single handed lay shake the hands of all the kids coming to camp and their parents and know their names. That’s about 1200 people. I’m like. . Who are you and what did you tap into to be able to do That. Perhaps the better way to say it is feel that. Everything is a feeling. A vibration. Like a name. It’s all so interesting. When I left Jackie handed me $100 out of no where, which was very gracious. It is a wonderful thing to share that I also will get to share
From there I made my way to Kenilworth. I wanted to stay in a warm showers that night and Holly and Santiago welcomed with with open arms as I arrived as the sun was setting. the next 12 hours were to be nourishing, educational and inspiring.
It was a big day. I biked about 100 miles give or take a mile or two with no sleep Though as Anne pointed out perhaps it was the universe exhausting me so I could feel something and get me more in my body. I suspect so There always seems to be multiple reasons for everything that we do,. I don’t believe in coincidences. Though the expansion is in the feeling. The experience As I believe we are here to live in the human form and.discover our potential While we write love stories.