A POEM: Accepting the Journey of my Soul



Many a nights

I have I stood on

the deck of a vessel that carried me

away from my love.

Tears in my eyes

pondering at the skies

why would I ever leave.

It ate at my soul like a ravenous rat

Unable to understand

Helplessness and hopelessness takes over

in the confusion.

As I look up

the stars reminding me that there is more

to this story.

I did not leave love.

I left myself

because I believed that I needed to go somewhere else to find me

to be something

to prove something

to be enough

to be what others needed me to be

The pain that broke open my heart

was that I left

to try to fix something that was already perfect.

I just could not see it.

That is why I wept

because I was living a lie.

I did not believe in myself

Not enough.

All the while

There was nothing wrong with me

there never has been.

I simply forgot who I was.

I have been someone else.

too scared

to expose my greatest resource thinking it was fargile

And I did not even know it.

Until the clarity of the path

or even just the next step is awoken

there is a ravenous longing

and a reckoning

that rests in our bodies like

a race horse cooped up

waiting behind a gate.

Not knowing or understanding why it is there

When I was born to run, play and dance

I have been waiting for a bell to ring and door to open

and with my hungry body lunge out on to the earth

not knowing what was around the corner

only that what was there had been waiting for me

since the beginning of time.

in our inability to hear

devastates everything that

we created that was a lie.

I felt like

Like water to the body or love to the soul.

What was waiting for me was me.

It was life and only me that had kept me

in a cage all this time

while the bell was simply an arms length away

just out of sight.

As many times as I was told that,

I did not believe it or maybe I just never saw the cage.

For I did not know what I did not know.

I have been hibernating.

For six months

A bear in the desert

Nursing myself and relaying the

A time of healing and awakening,

shifting and expansion

exposing myself to this season

with a renewed vibrance and sense of being.

I was just too scared to listen to my heart

Too scared to expose all my fears

Too feel the emasculating worthlessness

that was overwhelming me

The pain of the heart

is only because we are hiding it.

Tears are only there

because they are the

tension of something we were trying to hold on to

but was never really ours.

Nothing can be owned.

When we try we can only lose that thing we are so desperately trying to hold on to

because there is something in that thing that we feel like we do not have already inside of us.

To keep a bird in its cage is to never see its flight

Who are we truly trying to keep safe?

But what is it to be inspired by the bird and all of its grace, beauty and expression

Like trying to drive a plane through traffic.

It was meant to fly

Just like the heart was meant to feel and

Crete with fear or your heart.

Either way will guide you home

because it is so painful when we are not vibrating from the pulse beneath our chest

it motivates us to never do that again

that is the sting and the emotional awakening

when you betray your heart

you betray your world and everything around you

and you will know it

because it will keep you separate

in a constant

state of grief, depression and anger

not to punish you but to remind you that this is not you

it is part of you

It is a feeling connected to love

and that is to be honored

because it is serving you

it is freely connected to love because in that moment you lost yourself

you forgot and allowed

fear to be your barrier

instead of your guide

and that is sad and beautiful

beautiful that it can be so clear

beautiful that we get to feel that much again

Grief is an expression of a loss of love

It is a death

and a moment of rebirth

To deny it is to deny life waiting to happen

By comparison death is rarely in physical form

Its true meaning is simply to shift

To transition into something new

An experience to explore

to experience what you did not know you did not know

With less tension

For each tear is a release from the heart

of something that felt so dear or so important

An attachment only to realize that we can attach to nothing

because everything is free

We can only play with the world

in the dance of co-creation.

To control or force another is bondage

And the world will not have it

and consistency remind you of that

soul you try.

Because everything that has tension

Has to break.

Because everything was meant to be free

Free to choose

a partner, a lover, a friend,

a home

a passion

a life

an occupation

It is all a choice

even when we feel like we do not have one.

There are no accidents

Letting go into the darkness of potential

of surprise

of joy

of the unknown

It is all waiting to play.

The spirit is too strong.

My heart beats for me.

So that I can live.

Because I have a purpose.

A quest.

A calling.

A choice.

It is not to be found for it is waiting patiently

always

like a shadow in the dark

a breath in the air

It is to be surrendered to

to feed me

to surprise me

to play with me

It awakens my blood

for it rests hidden in every cell of my body

waiting to be accepted

for permission

for the choice to be made

to embody our deepest fear

and finally. . . finally

become one.

It is already in me.

It always has been.

I was born with it.

Like a book

A dance

A painting

Gestating like a child,

A seed

A star

It knows nothing else

To try to make it anything but

is to blind ourselves to our own reality

and deny us our greatest truth

and destroy our beauty, vibrance and life.

It is why we die.

It is why we live.

For growth and discovery

So that my life, my body and my soul

Can fulfill its fullest expression

My gift back to the universe

from where I was born.

The magic of the stars

of space

of vibration in all of its exquisite form

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